i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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