there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
