I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
So much rum. So many feels.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
