There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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