I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
