Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
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