JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
