how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
