Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
