maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
