we have pet lesbian snakes
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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