He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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