nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
