When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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