he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Thank you for not boning my boss.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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