I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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