i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
