Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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