He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
