I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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