After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
