In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
