If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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