my phone needs a breathalizer
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I'm passing your future prison.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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