you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
