I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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