my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
