Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
