My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I just found a bag of teeth...
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
