Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
