how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
