Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
