please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
