Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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