dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
