Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
