I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
