I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
