I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Damn victory sex feels great
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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