I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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