I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
