All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
