a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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