My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
