I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
