Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
