Can i not drive my cunt home
That's intense
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
