everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
