Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
God, you're like boner-b-gone
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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