if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
