she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
