I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
