I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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