Do you still have your period?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
