Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
