she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
